What I Learnt In 2018

Usually at this time of year I post a blog reflecting on how wonderful my year has been, how lucky I am, and I try to focus on all the good things. This year it all seems a little harder. and my usual reflection doesn't seem appropriate. Instead I thought I'd share some of the things I learnt in 2018.

Good mental health is a constant work in progress. After a few good years I thought I was done with any real issues with my anxiety, but this year it hit me like a truck and I found myself having panic attacks again and needing to figure out the best way to look after myself. I've gone teetotal again because I know that alcohol doesn't help my anxiety, and I've cut down on the places I've been going while I get myself more comfortable with the familiar. I'll tackle the trickier stuff further along the road. I felt like I'd really let myself down slipping backwards like I did, but anxiety isn't something that just goes away. It's not disappointing anyone by falling back down, so long as you keep trying to get back up.

 Appreciate the family you are lucky enough to have in your life. Make sure those that you love know you love them and make time for them. I was blessed enough to make it to 30 with all of my grandparents, and have them all at our wedding. I'm forever grateful for this and I feel proud to know that my grandad (who we affectionately called G) knew how special he was to me before he suddenly passed away, and that the last time I saw him I gave him a hug and told him I loved him. He was a huge part of our wedding day, speaking in the ceremony, and I have so many fond memories I can look back on. If you have family that you love and are important to you, make time for them, travel for them, be there for their important moments. You never know what tomorrow will bring.

Sometimes a sorry is all you need. People stop talking or fall out for all sorts of reasons, and some things aren't forgivable. But sometimes, it's better to just let things go and accept a simply 'sorry' when you know the other person means it. This year relationships were mended by simple gestures, no big talks, no dramatic conversations, just a simple acknowledgement and a realisation that saying sorry is hard, and accepting it can be truly worth it.

At the same time, sometimes it's time to accept that a relationship isn't worth the work and end it. When someone's company brings you down, and their idea of friendship seems one sided, it's time to call it a day. If you're the only one who ever reaches out, see what happens when you stop. When their 'banter' becomes more like bullying and it's gone from playful teasing to just them being rude, it's time to stop. If the thought of spending time with someone seems like hard work, that friendship might need a break. People grow apart and change, and sometimes the friendship that was so important a few years ago feels painful. When someone spends their time talking about you to others, or seems to think they are more important than you, it might be time to readdress. I've drifted from people who talk over me, or who make every situation about them. I'm done with people who ask about your issues then state that they've been through the same and their problem was totally worse than yours. To quote my husband, for some people if you've been to Tenerife, they've been to Elevenerife, and it's boring!

I think the biggest thing I learnt this year is that life can be really hard. And that the things in life that are truly worth it are worth fighting for. Life doesn't always work out how you think it will, but that the bad is worth battling through. Changes you could never imagine might happen, but life finds a way. 2018 was harder than I ever imagined, but we got through it and we're stronger than ever. In the darkness there is always light, you just have to search for it.

Here's to a better 2019.

Much love,
Kitty xxxx

The Friendship Break Up

Over the years, I've had some pretty spectacular ends to friendships. We talk a lot about how to get over the end of a relationship, how to deal with heart break and betrayal, but I often think that the end of a friendship can be far worse, yet we never really talk about it. A best friend is someone you've trusted your darkest thoughts to, who you turn to in times of needs, and who is there in the best times of your life, and when that suddenly ends, what do you do?

I can be brutal at the end of a friendship. I give second chances, sometimes even third, but sometimes the thing the other person does is so unforgivable that you just can't. I've ended 4 'best friend' type friendships over the years. One at 18 with the best friend I had all through school and college, and three in my early twenties. One of those I wrote about extensively, because it happened in the run up to said friend's wedding and ended when she threw me out of her bridal party (read about that here). The others ended with more of a fizzle, and they probably hurt the most, despite the lack of dramatic occurrence.

The end of a friendship is a different kind of heartbreak. It is unique to every friendship, it might hurt more of less depending on the length of time you've been friends, or why the friendship is ending. Know that it is OK to grieve the end of your friendship, you love your best friends, and it's a kind of heartbreak all of it's own. Processing the end of a friendship is much the same as processing the end of a relationship. It makes you question yourself, and your trust for those around you, and it's hard to let someone in so close again. Just because it isn't the loss of romantic love, it doesn't mean it isn't the end of a different kind of love.

I feel like I've ended far too many friendships over the years. To protect myself. Because I felt my trust was irreparably damaged. Because they revealed themselves to be someone I didn't know or understand. Or because they became someone that didn't understand me, or want to. Protecting yourself is OK! I wanted to share a few of the things I've learnt on how to help process the end of a friendship.

1) Removing a toxic person from your life is OK. Sometimes a person starts out as an amazing friend, and over time they begin to reveal their other self. The one who picks at you, who encourages your self doubt, who puts you down, who ignores you, uses you only when they need you, or questions your achievements. A friendship doesn't need to end with a bang, sometimes it ends with a painful murmur instead. If someone makes you feel bad who professes to love you and be your dearest friend, it's OK to move on.

2) Remove them from all social media. It isn't healthy to keep them on your social feed, constantly seeing their face pop up, or their seemingly happy like that hasn't been affected the loss of you at all, it can be brutal. Remove them, and it'll make life easier I promise. I tend to block people too, so they don't pop up on mutual friends social feeds either, or even go so far as to mute their usernames on social media that lets me do that. Don't ever feel bad for blocking someone if it is better for your mental health, you have to take care of you first.

3) It's OK to grieve, for as long as you need. There are times I still wonder about the friendship I ended at 18 and hurt, because betrayal can sting 12 years later. It hurts when I have to interact with the friendship that fizzled because we have so many mutuals. I have to pretend it's OK and it's fine and that it doesn't hurt after several years to see them pretend like I was nothing to them. It's OK to mourn, to cry, to need to talk to someone, a professional if necessary, it's OK.

4) Ghosting is OK. Controversial I know! Don't feel like you have to tell your friend why you are cutting them out of your life. Sometimes they don't deserve your explanation or your time. I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this one, people don't like to be ghosted and they don't think it's appropriate behaviour, that you should be more 'grown up' than to ghost. But you know what, it's OK! Sometimes the best thing for yourself, the safest thing or the healthiest thing to do, is just ghost. I'm not ashamed to say I've done it. If you feel the only option to avoid a confrontation, or to avoid a scene, is to ghost, then ghost. You don't owe a toxic person your explanation or your time.

6) Remember that time and healing are not linear. You may be OK at first, for a few weeks or more even, and then it might hit you like a sudden wave. Healing and hurting are not things with a set path or route. There are ups and downs and backwards steps, and that's OK. The end of a friendship is a big deal, when you've known someone and trusted and loved them for a long time, it can be like losing a part of yourself. It's OK to be OK, and then not be again. Healing isn't a finish line you cross and stay across, it's more of a spiral full of loops.

Ending a friendship can be a really hard decision, or a really easy one. Know that you aren't the first to be in pain because of it, and that if you reach out there are others around you who know that pain too and can be there.

I've been there, several times. And it's OK. I have newer incredible friends, and friends who have been by my side for almost 20 years, who are a piece of my heart and soul at this point. (Yes Fal, I mean you if you're reading this). It gets easier I promise.

Much love,

Kitty

xxxxx

Colourpop : Facial Hair Remover

Where Have I Been?

Um, hi. It's been a while huh? I've only written a small handful of posts this year and have been pretty MIA on most of my social media. But I'm still here! I thought a good place to start would be to fill in the gaps of where I've been and why I've not been blogging.

On January 11th I got a phone call asking me if I could come in the next day for my second carpal tunnel operation. It had originally been scheduled for after Christmas but had been cancelled, and I'd been told it wouldn't be rearranged for some time. It was a shock but I was eager to get it done and be on with the healing process, so the next day I went under the knife again for round 2. The healing for my left hand seems to have been a lot harder going than my right hand. I'm going to write a full blog post about my experiences having the surgeries, but with my hands being affect, blogging was not high on my list of priorities. I think my laptop has basically forgotten what I look like at this point, I've barely touched it in months!

If I'm totally honest with myself, the other major reason I haven't been writing is because the time I've previously dedicated to my blog has been somewhat filtered elsewhere. Mostly, into Pokemon GO.  I've been spending a lot of time with my local raid group, enjoying the community days, and just generally getting out of the house and making new friends. I haven't had a real hobby in years. Photography has been an issue for me since I developed carpal tunnel, and I greatly missed having something fun I enjoyed that I could do regularly. Pokemon has filled that gap and it makes me so happy!

The other thing, which seems so silly when I type it out. is that I've been having a bit of a crisis of confidence. All because of my hair. I coloured my hair last October using Plum by Directions. It's a deep purple, and it was beautiful. For the first wash. After one wash, my hair was blue. Two more and it was green. And green is has been ever since. This is my most recent selfie, I've hardly taken any lately, you can see the green is really clinging on and while it has faded, it's not going anywhere any time soon. I've had green hair before, and it stains, so at this point my only option is to further bleach my hair to try and shit the colour, or to dye it darker over the top and risk the green coming through. It's been six months now, so I've been very patient, and it's daft, but it's getting me down now! Real life things have gotten in the way of me paying a visit to the hairdresser, but I'm hoping to soon so I can return to my former pink glory. I miss it so!

So what's the point in writing this blog, am I back? Well, sort of! I don't think I'll be back to posting as often as I used to, but I definitely feel like I have more I want to do in terms of blogging. I'm still writing for the ever wonderful She Might Be too, so be sure to come and check us out.

Much love,
Kitty xxxx

So... I Turned 30!

Hey blog. It's been a while! Some things have happened since I've been gone, one of the biggest being that I officially joined The 30 Club! On 12th February I turned 30, and it was awesome. I know a lot of people find turning 30 to be intimidating, but I have to admit that I didn't. My husband Stu is 13 years older than me, and in our circle of friends I'm basically the baby of the group, so 30 just didn't seem that big of a deal.

Now that I'm 30, things have changed somewhat. I've decided to tone down my wardrobe, stop wearing wild prints, and dye my hair back to a natural colour.....

Or not. I plan to carry on being the same old Kitty! I threw myself a massive party two days before my birthday. I last had a party for my 21st birthday. An ex threw it and eight people came. Those eight people included the barmaid and myself. It was an utterly miserable and lonely experience, and since then, I have to admit, I've been the birthday Scrooge. I've refused to have gatherings or parties for my birthday, but Stu gave me two choices. Organise your own party, or be thrown a surprise party, you're only 30 once. The idea of a surprise party is truly terrifying to me, so I organised my own instead.

My 30th birthday party left me feeling so very lucky and loved. Family and friends travelled from around the country to spend the evening with me, I was truly in awe. One of the best things about getting older has been turning my family into my friends, and my friends into my family.

Turning 30 has made me realise that my life might not be necessarily headed where teenage Kitty thought it would be, but that it is headed to exactly where it is meant to be. With my husband by my side, with incredible friends, with a wonderful family, and with a house full of furry critters to cuddle. I have a job I enjoy, and my chronic pain is well controlled. Comparing my life in my early twenties, to my life at 30, I couldn't be happier! Early twenties Kitty was in an awful relationship with a horrible man, had life wrecking undiagnosed chronic pain, lived in a tiny box flat and had no real friends nearby. 30 year old Kitty is married to the man of my dreams, has a diagnosis and a means of treatment that works, lives in a beautiful bungalow and has the sort of friends I can only dream of!

Rather than being scared to get older, I took 30 as a chance to look back on my journey and how far I've come. And I discovered that I've come a long way and that I love the direction my life has taken. 30 has me feeling like everything is coming up Kitty. Sure life has it's issues and it's drama, but when I look at the big picture, all I can see is serendipity.

Much love, 

Kitty xxxx

Photos by Chris Waud of Go!Photo.

What I Got For Christmas

I know, I know, Christmas seems forever ago now, but I always do a what I got for Christmas type post, and I wasn't going to not do one even though it's late. This year, I'm only sharing two of the presents I got for Christmas, both from my husband Stu. Both of these presents made me absolutely sob, so I had to share the story behind them.

Before I opened this beautiful necklace, I opened a lovely photo frame with a picture of our dear Sinbad the one eyed cat who passed away in 2016 in it. That got me all emotional, and as I started to open this necklace, I realised what it was. It's cremation jewellery, it contains a small urn inside for you to place the ashes of your lost loved one inside, so they can be with you when you wear it. I have wanted one of these for such a long time, Sinbad was the first cat that was 'mine'. I rescued him, he rescued me, we were inseparable. I was heartbroken when he passed away and this was a perfect present from my husband.

Now the second present, and why it made me cry, need a little more explaining. Any 90's kids have any guesses as to what it is? This, is Fetch Armstrong. Fetch Armstrong was the doggy sidekick to Stretch Armstrong, a superhero with an elastic body that could stretch huge amounts. My brother had Stretch, I had Fetch. I bloody loved Fetch, despite his rubbery body and solid face, he slept in my bed with me at night and I carried him round with me wherever I could.

As it turns out, you can stretch these super stretchy toys too far, as my little brother discovered when he stretched Stretch too far and ripped him. All his stretchy gooey insides leaked out and he was broken. Angry he had broken his toy, he decided it was Fetch's end time too, and he overstretched poor Fetch much to my horror. I was gutted! My brother will tell you it was an accident but there's no telling me otherwise, I know the truth! (I forgive you bro.... maybe). A few years ago someone we know got their kid a Stretch Armstrong for Christmas, and I told Stu this story. I had no idea they had brought them back and thought it was really cool.

So imagine my surprise, when on Christmas day, I opened my present to discover inside, my very own Fetch Armstrong. Stu had been hunting for one since I had told him the story, and they had finally started making them again. It was such a thoughtful gift, I howled with laughter whilst also crying at how much it meant that he had remembered my love of my original Fetch!

Fetch is now proudly on my bedside table and will be going absolutely nowhere near my not-so-little-anymore brother.

What did you get for Christmas?

Much love,

Kitty xxxx

Our First Wedding Anniversary

Back on 4th June, Stu and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. We were away on holiday in Cornwall with some of our best friends and spent the night on the beach eating cheesy chips. Bliss! I thought it was about time I actually shared what we got each other, because I think we both did pretty awesome. Traditionally different years of marriage are associated with different items; for your first wedding anniversary in the UK it is paper. I had been racking my brain for a good idea and paper finally gave me the inspiration I needed.

When Stu was married previously (I'm his second wife), he had a lot of art work by the artist Ed Org. When he moved out he left basically everything behind, including all of his beloved Ed Org prints. I decided to buy him a signed artist proof and really hoped he would like it. Thankfully, he really did! It's an unusual size so we need to get it professionally framed but it really does deserve that.

Stu actually bought me 3 presents and spoilt me rotten, but I forgot to photograph the other thing he got me, oops! He got me the Ladybird book on 'How to be a wife'. It's all kinds of ridiculous and a cute gift. Stu's gifts had both the paper theme, and were inspired by our first dance. He got me an original limited edition vinyl of Skid Row's I Remember You. Skid Row were the band that brought us together and dancing to I Remember You is such a precious memory from our wedding day.

He also got me this awesome sound wave of I Remember You! I love personalised presents like this and maybe did a small cry. Maybe. OK I definitely cried. He gave me such thoughtful and beautiful presents, they couldn't have been more perfect for our first wedding anniversary. I'm so lucky!

If you need inspiration for your wedding anniversary presents, I highly recommend checking out what the material is for your year, it really helped us both!

Much love,
Kitty xxx

Being Ghosted : Things I Love About Summer

Our First Wedding Anniversary

Today is mine and Stu's first wedding anniversary! We're spending it away on holiday with some dear friends of ours, but I thought I'd share some of my favourite photos from our day and some of the things I've learnt during our first year of marriage.

I've learnt that really, marriage doesn't change a whole lot. Life is pretty much the same, we still binge watch tv shows on Netflix, hang out in our local with our friends, pick on each other relentlessly, but now we do it as husband and wife instead.

I've learnt that in Stu I have a husband who supports me and is literally there through sickness and in health. He's been there with me when I've been at my most ill, and held my hand and looked after me, and I'm so so lucky to have that.

I've learnt that I'll always smile when I look at my wedding ring, but that I will eventually manage to stop crying every time I hear one of our weddings song! They fill my heart with complete delight and take me back to the day itself.

I learnt that you can absolutely have a wedding playlist filled with metal, rock, pop punk, ska and glam and still fill the dance floor all night long. I know a lot of more alternative couples worry about having music that they love and people getting up and dancing, but our dance floor was filled all night long. You might be surprised to discover that your Uncle from Wales is actually a massive metal head, or that your cousin's husband is a punk rocker at heart. I was so surprised at what people loved! We had a ridiculous mosh pit to Rage Against the Machine's Killing in the Name and I broke my dress head banging and it was SO much fun.

I learnt that once you've been married for 6 months the baby questions start and never seem to stop. From total strangers to family friends, people seem to think it's OK to ask when you are having kids. I'm not having children, it's just not something I want from life, and I don't understand why people think it's OK to ask you questions about this. While I've made a choice to not have children, plenty of others have that decision taken away from them and I can't imagine the hurt of having people pry about it. I've also learnt that people look at you like a monster when you say you don't want children of your own. I have 3 wonderful step-children that I'm so lucky to have in my life, but having children isn't for me.

I've learnt that time apart is important so you can both do your own things. We do so much together, but sometimes it's also awesome to just chill out on the sofa on your own in your pants eating pizza and watching Ru Paul's Drag Race. Sadly Stu is just not into Drag Race despite my best attempts! Sometimes when you are married people see you as a solid unit, so you are invited every where as a couple and it's expected you'll do everything together, but it's important to do your own thing too and not lose who you are as an individual.

I've learnt that being silly together is so important. Weddings can be really serious, but that's just not us. Being ridiculous and daft is so integral to our relationship that it had to be part of our wedding too. Take time to laugh and just be together and be delirious and happy that you are married. In our daily life play fighting and tickling and laughing at cat memes on the internet is the stuff that keeps us laughing and together. Memes are important stuff!

I've learnt that all my favourite photos from our wedding are the unposed ones. It's the photos taken when we didn't even know any photos were taken that we really love. Like the photo above, we were getting ready to have our photo taken and Stu was pretty er... tipsy by this point, and he just came over to me laughing and cuddled in and it's probably my favourite photo from the whole day. It's so natural and us. Let your photographer follow you around and capture you in your natural habitat! I'm so happy we booked Donna of ClickClickBang and her husband as a second shooter (which was a decision we were lucky to be able to make about a week before the wedding!) because so many moments got captured that could have been missed by a single shooter because they just can't be everywhere at once.

And I've learnt that being lucky enough to marry your best friend in the whole world is everything. Being best friends as well as partners makes our lives so much fun, and I feel so lucky to have been able to meet Stu.

I just hope he likes the present I got him!

Much love,

Kitty xxxxx

I Don't Want Children And That's OK : Colourpop Eyes

I Don't Want Children, And That's OK

It's been almost a year since Stu and I got married, and one of the questions that seems to pop up more and more since we hit that 6 month mark is, 'When are you having children?'. There are whole bunch of reasons that asking people this is problematic, and why we should stop asking this question. 

So, first things first. I hate this question. It's invasive and it makes certain assumptions. It assumes that we want children, and it assumes that we are physically able to have children. I have no idea if I can have children or not, I've never had any desire to try to have one and I've never been pregnant, but I do know a great many people who have tried to conceive and have been unable to, or have struggled to. I've seen the pain in people's eyes when people have asked them about babies, and seen the hurt those questions have caused. I can't speak about other people's pain, but I can suggest that asking very personal questions about people's ability to conceive is certainly not going to help. In the future I hope people stop asking what I consider to be a very private question, that is really only a subject to be discussed between partners.

I don't want children. I've never been filled with the desire to have them. I'm not someone who is filled with delight at babies. I've never been that way. There's nothing 'wrong' with me, despite what people have suggested over the years, it's just not for me. I have 3 awesome older step children, and I know some great kids, I'm better with them once they are a bit older. I'll make a fantastic bad influence of an Auntie once your kid starts getting an interest in music! People talk about the 'maternal instinct', whether it exists or not is a different debate entirely, but I know I don't have that feelings others seem to have when they see a blooming pregnant belly or a baby bouncing in a pram.

I've heard all the usual platitudes people offer when I say I don't want children. 'You'll change your mind when you get older' (I'm almost 30), 'It's different when they're your own' (but what if it's not?), 'But who'll look after you when you get old?' (what a terrible reason to have children!) and more. I think my personal favourites are 'You're being selfish', because surely it's more selfish to bring an unwanted child into the world, and 'What will you leave behind when you're gone?', and well, I'd like to hope that people see people who have children as more than just parents. I'd like to think that I'll leave behind writing that might have helped someone, or photos that have inspired someone. And if I don't achieve that, then my life won't have been hollow and empty simply because I didn't have children.

It seems to be a question that is aimed far more at women than it is at men. I'm not less of a woman because I've made a decision to not have children, having children does not make someone a woman. What defines being a woman is simply someone defining themselves as a woman! There is a huge amount of pressure on women to fulfil certain roles in society, we are to be wives, mothers, cleaners, carers, we are to meet a man and have 2.4 children and a white picket fence and a dog. It is incredibly sexist to assume that because I am a woman, I should want children. It's not something people seem to ask men is it? I can't recall anyone asking my husband about him having children, whereas I've been asked dozens of times since we got married.

Not everyone wants the same things from life, and that's what makes the world go round! Some people want to travel the earth, some have fantastic collections they've accrued over the years, other people fill their lives with rescue animals, some want to write and others feel music deep within their souls. All these things help make us the diverse and unique individuals we are, and that includes whether or not we might want children. The world would be a very boring place if we all had the same desires.

Asking people when they are having children is such an invasive and private question. Many people want children, and a growing number of us don't, and that's OK! So next time you might want to ask someone when they are having children, just take a moment and reconsider before you do.

Much love, 

Kitty xxxx

Colourpop Eyes : Bell Sleeves & Stripes

My New Obsession : Elle King

When Navabi shared a photo of Elle King on their twitter after the Grammys, I was immediately crushing on her look and curious to know more. Who was this fox with amazing taste?

We're highly into tattooed angel Elle King's off-the-shoulder style at the Grammys last night pic.twitter.com/hfaLCk9vKv

— navabi (@navabiFashion) February 13, 2017

I shared the photo on my facebook page and was informed that Elle was a musician, a country musician in fact. Well, I love me some country music so I headed right to Youtube where I promptly fell completely in lust with her. Her music is totally my sort of thing, bluesy, a little sleazy and wonderfully twangy country. I listened to about 4 tracks on Youtube before I ordered her album 'Love Stuff' which has not left my car stereo since it arrived. I am obsessed.

'America's Sweetheart' is a favourite from the album, it's so catchy and I can't get it out of my head. I really like this because while it is self deprecating it's done in a way that is fun and at no point puts anyone else down which is a common theme when this is done usually. I can't stop singing this!

'I told you I was mean' is a ballad with a twist, it's about leaving a man you used because you were lonely that you never loved. It's bluesy and a truly unusual love song in that it's pretty soul destroying for the man it's about!

Irritatingly this video isn't available in the UK, but I have been able to watch it on my phone. This is from before Elle's first album and is called 'Good to be man'. It's bango-filled country at it's finest, all about why it's good to be a man these days. Hilarious at times and painfully true.

Elle's voice is so distinctive, the way she rasps and the gravelly tones are just sublime. She's a curvy babe who is confident and loves herself which is always incredible to see, and her songs are just in my head all the time. I can't wait for her next album!

Much love,

Kitty xxxx

Birthday OOTD with GatsbyLady : Dreaming of Manon Baptiste