The Friendship Break Up

Over the years, I've had some pretty spectacular ends to friendships. We talk a lot about how to get over the end of a relationship, how to deal with heart break and betrayal, but I often think that the end of a friendship can be far worse, yet we never really talk about it. A best friend is someone you've trusted your darkest thoughts to, who you turn to in times of needs, and who is there in the best times of your life, and when that suddenly ends, what do you do?

I can be brutal at the end of a friendship. I give second chances, sometimes even third, but sometimes the thing the other person does is so unforgivable that you just can't. I've ended 4 'best friend' type friendships over the years. One at 18 with the best friend I had all through school and college, and three in my early twenties. One of those I wrote about extensively, because it happened in the run up to said friend's wedding and ended when she threw me out of her bridal party (read about that here). The others ended with more of a fizzle, and they probably hurt the most, despite the lack of dramatic occurrence.

The end of a friendship is a different kind of heartbreak. It is unique to every friendship, it might hurt more of less depending on the length of time you've been friends, or why the friendship is ending. Know that it is OK to grieve the end of your friendship, you love your best friends, and it's a kind of heartbreak all of it's own. Processing the end of a friendship is much the same as processing the end of a relationship. It makes you question yourself, and your trust for those around you, and it's hard to let someone in so close again. Just because it isn't the loss of romantic love, it doesn't mean it isn't the end of a different kind of love.

I feel like I've ended far too many friendships over the years. To protect myself. Because I felt my trust was irreparably damaged. Because they revealed themselves to be someone I didn't know or understand. Or because they became someone that didn't understand me, or want to. Protecting yourself is OK! I wanted to share a few of the things I've learnt on how to help process the end of a friendship.

1) Removing a toxic person from your life is OK. Sometimes a person starts out as an amazing friend, and over time they begin to reveal their other self. The one who picks at you, who encourages your self doubt, who puts you down, who ignores you, uses you only when they need you, or questions your achievements. A friendship doesn't need to end with a bang, sometimes it ends with a painful murmur instead. If someone makes you feel bad who professes to love you and be your dearest friend, it's OK to move on.

2) Remove them from all social media. It isn't healthy to keep them on your social feed, constantly seeing their face pop up, or their seemingly happy like that hasn't been affected the loss of you at all, it can be brutal. Remove them, and it'll make life easier I promise. I tend to block people too, so they don't pop up on mutual friends social feeds either, or even go so far as to mute their usernames on social media that lets me do that. Don't ever feel bad for blocking someone if it is better for your mental health, you have to take care of you first.

3) It's OK to grieve, for as long as you need. There are times I still wonder about the friendship I ended at 18 and hurt, because betrayal can sting 12 years later. It hurts when I have to interact with the friendship that fizzled because we have so many mutuals. I have to pretend it's OK and it's fine and that it doesn't hurt after several years to see them pretend like I was nothing to them. It's OK to mourn, to cry, to need to talk to someone, a professional if necessary, it's OK.

4) Ghosting is OK. Controversial I know! Don't feel like you have to tell your friend why you are cutting them out of your life. Sometimes they don't deserve your explanation or your time. I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this one, people don't like to be ghosted and they don't think it's appropriate behaviour, that you should be more 'grown up' than to ghost. But you know what, it's OK! Sometimes the best thing for yourself, the safest thing or the healthiest thing to do, is just ghost. I'm not ashamed to say I've done it. If you feel the only option to avoid a confrontation, or to avoid a scene, is to ghost, then ghost. You don't owe a toxic person your explanation or your time.

6) Remember that time and healing are not linear. You may be OK at first, for a few weeks or more even, and then it might hit you like a sudden wave. Healing and hurting are not things with a set path or route. There are ups and downs and backwards steps, and that's OK. The end of a friendship is a big deal, when you've known someone and trusted and loved them for a long time, it can be like losing a part of yourself. It's OK to be OK, and then not be again. Healing isn't a finish line you cross and stay across, it's more of a spiral full of loops.

Ending a friendship can be a really hard decision, or a really easy one. Know that you aren't the first to be in pain because of it, and that if you reach out there are others around you who know that pain too and can be there.

I've been there, several times. And it's OK. I have newer incredible friends, and friends who have been by my side for almost 20 years, who are a piece of my heart and soul at this point. (Yes Fal, I mean you if you're reading this). It gets easier I promise.

Much love,

Kitty

xxxxx

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How I Dealt With Being Ghosted By A Friend

Ghosting. A quick google describes the term as meaning 'the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.' (Google 2017). Most of the time people think of ghosting as a way that people escape from online dating gone poorly, or from a potential partner they aren't interested in. They simply stop texting back, or replying online, and the guy you met on POF gets the message you aren't interested, without having to do the awkward conversation about how it's not you, it's me. It's an easy out. And I've totally recommended people do it before when they've met people who turned out to be hideous who wouldn't take no for an answer, it can be a safer option to avoid someone who is being emotionally abusive, or relentless in their desire to contact you when you don't want them to. Ghosting is something relatively new to our society with the rise of social media and online dating, but ghosting isn't exclusive to intimate relationships. I was ghosted by someone I considered a dear friend, so here's my story.

For ease, I'm going to call my friend Laura throughout. Laura is not her real name. I met Laura when I was about 19. We had a lot of mutuals, and were both going to university but commuting from our home town rather than living in halls. We spent many afternoons drinking soft drinks in the pub (I was teetotal at the time), I would cat sit for her when she went away on holiday, the night her then boyfriend proposed I was one of the first to know, when I left my last relationship she was there for me, and then suddenly, silence. 

At first, I figured she was really busy. She had a new job, she wasn't much of one for social media, we just kept missing each other. Then there was a night out in which a group of us met up and Laura was there too. I walked in and waved a hello and she looked right through me. It was weird, I told myself she must not have seen me, despite the fact that there can't be many other 5ft 11 women with pink hair in our home town. We didn't speak the whole night. I tried to get her attention a few times but she wasn't having any of it. I have social anxiety, and really worry about social situations, so the longer the night went on, the more I panicked and didn't dare go over.

The next day I told myself I must have done something to upset her, or maybe she'd had a bad day. I went back over our last conversations and nothing struck me as something that could have been misinterpreted, or accidentally offensive. And believe me, I poured over them. As time went on, we'd be involved in group conversations and she would completely ignore my responses. It truly was like I was a ghost, like she couldn't see what I was saying, or that I was physically in front of her even. Mutual friends noticed her ghosting me and asked her what the problem was, she claimed to have no issue and was fine with me. This went on for a long time before I did anything.

After a year or more, I couldn't take it any more. I couldn't see her name pop up on Facebook and know she was ignoring me. I couldn't be in the group conversations and have her act like I didn't exist. I couldn't bear to allow her to continue to ghost me any more. It hurt too much to see someone I had cared about so much act like I didn't exist. I spent so much time wondering what I had done to deserve being ghosted. I cried too much for the end of a friendship.

For my own mental health, after much heart break and upset, I decided that the best thing to do was block her, on all social media. Almost immediately, I felt lighter. No longer seeing her name, being able to actively see her ignore me, it made being ghosted so much easier. I could no longer see her ignoring me. I took her power away by blocking her when she was making a show of ignoring me. It was one of the best decisions I could have made, and it made grieving the end of the friendship easier. 

It has been several years now, and I've still not heard from Laura. We've been at gatherings together, we've even been out for meals together in a group, and she's never so once so much as looked at me. While I blocked her on social media and highly recommend this to anyone who experiences ghosting from this end, I've never changed my phone number. If she wanted to talk about whatever happened she could. But I guess she doesn't want to. Blocking Laura was 100% the right decision for me. It enabled me to be able to process the situation properly and move on. It was a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I was no longer tormented by even the sight of her name, which had previously broken my heart every day. I was able to remove myself from the situations that caused me pain, and I am grateful for that block feature!

A friendship ending can be harder than a relationship break up. It still involves betrayal, heart ache and pain, but sometimes it can seem so much more unexplained. You have to take care of yourself, and being able to block or mute people on social media can be a fantastic tool to help self care. I never reached out and asked what Laura's issue was, because I just couldn't bring myself to do it, and she was so adamant to our mutuals that there wasn't an issue. I don't regret not reaching out. And now, several years later, I don't miss her, and it doesn't hurt like it did. Now I look back and know she wasn't the person I thought she was, because a real friend would have told me if I'd messed up so we could deal with the situation, not just vanished. If I screw up, call me out on it. That's what real friends do If she didn't respect me enough to tell me what was wrong, I didn't care enough to ask.

Stepping away and blocking her was the healthiest thing I could do, and it's made my life a lot easier. There are still times we are in the same place or invited to the same events, and she still ignores me and acts as if my smol giant plus size self is invisible. And that's OK. I deserve better than that, and I have better than that. And I won't let someone treat me like that. I have no interest now in ever trying to resolve what happened, because as far as I'm concerned, nothing did. I will happily burn that bridge, because who wants a friend who can treat them like that?

I never thought I'd be ghosted, because I always thought it was something that happened in dating, but it's not. If you've been ghosted by a friend know that you deserve better, and please do not blame yourself. Sometimes people have their own issues that they can't deal with and they take it out on you, or they just aren't the person you thought you knew. Hit that block button and free yourself of that pain, and know that you are not alone. You are not alone, and you deserve better.

Much love,

Kitty xxxx

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