What I Learnt In 2018

Usually at this time of year I post a blog reflecting on how wonderful my year has been, how lucky I am, and I try to focus on all the good things. This year it all seems a little harder. and my usual reflection doesn't seem appropriate. Instead I thought I'd share some of the things I learnt in 2018.

Good mental health is a constant work in progress. After a few good years I thought I was done with any real issues with my anxiety, but this year it hit me like a truck and I found myself having panic attacks again and needing to figure out the best way to look after myself. I've gone teetotal again because I know that alcohol doesn't help my anxiety, and I've cut down on the places I've been going while I get myself more comfortable with the familiar. I'll tackle the trickier stuff further along the road. I felt like I'd really let myself down slipping backwards like I did, but anxiety isn't something that just goes away. It's not disappointing anyone by falling back down, so long as you keep trying to get back up.

 Appreciate the family you are lucky enough to have in your life. Make sure those that you love know you love them and make time for them. I was blessed enough to make it to 30 with all of my grandparents, and have them all at our wedding. I'm forever grateful for this and I feel proud to know that my grandad (who we affectionately called G) knew how special he was to me before he suddenly passed away, and that the last time I saw him I gave him a hug and told him I loved him. He was a huge part of our wedding day, speaking in the ceremony, and I have so many fond memories I can look back on. If you have family that you love and are important to you, make time for them, travel for them, be there for their important moments. You never know what tomorrow will bring.

Sometimes a sorry is all you need. People stop talking or fall out for all sorts of reasons, and some things aren't forgivable. But sometimes, it's better to just let things go and accept a simply 'sorry' when you know the other person means it. This year relationships were mended by simple gestures, no big talks, no dramatic conversations, just a simple acknowledgement and a realisation that saying sorry is hard, and accepting it can be truly worth it.

At the same time, sometimes it's time to accept that a relationship isn't worth the work and end it. When someone's company brings you down, and their idea of friendship seems one sided, it's time to call it a day. If you're the only one who ever reaches out, see what happens when you stop. When their 'banter' becomes more like bullying and it's gone from playful teasing to just them being rude, it's time to stop. If the thought of spending time with someone seems like hard work, that friendship might need a break. People grow apart and change, and sometimes the friendship that was so important a few years ago feels painful. When someone spends their time talking about you to others, or seems to think they are more important than you, it might be time to readdress. I've drifted from people who talk over me, or who make every situation about them. I'm done with people who ask about your issues then state that they've been through the same and their problem was totally worse than yours. To quote my husband, for some people if you've been to Tenerife, they've been to Elevenerife, and it's boring!

I think the biggest thing I learnt this year is that life can be really hard. And that the things in life that are truly worth it are worth fighting for. Life doesn't always work out how you think it will, but that the bad is worth battling through. Changes you could never imagine might happen, but life finds a way. 2018 was harder than I ever imagined, but we got through it and we're stronger than ever. In the darkness there is always light, you just have to search for it.

Here's to a better 2019.

Much love,
Kitty xxxx

Our First Wedding Anniversary

Back on 4th June, Stu and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. We were away on holiday in Cornwall with some of our best friends and spent the night on the beach eating cheesy chips. Bliss! I thought it was about time I actually shared what we got each other, because I think we both did pretty awesome. Traditionally different years of marriage are associated with different items; for your first wedding anniversary in the UK it is paper. I had been racking my brain for a good idea and paper finally gave me the inspiration I needed.

When Stu was married previously (I'm his second wife), he had a lot of art work by the artist Ed Org. When he moved out he left basically everything behind, including all of his beloved Ed Org prints. I decided to buy him a signed artist proof and really hoped he would like it. Thankfully, he really did! It's an unusual size so we need to get it professionally framed but it really does deserve that.

Stu actually bought me 3 presents and spoilt me rotten, but I forgot to photograph the other thing he got me, oops! He got me the Ladybird book on 'How to be a wife'. It's all kinds of ridiculous and a cute gift. Stu's gifts had both the paper theme, and were inspired by our first dance. He got me an original limited edition vinyl of Skid Row's I Remember You. Skid Row were the band that brought us together and dancing to I Remember You is such a precious memory from our wedding day.

He also got me this awesome sound wave of I Remember You! I love personalised presents like this and maybe did a small cry. Maybe. OK I definitely cried. He gave me such thoughtful and beautiful presents, they couldn't have been more perfect for our first wedding anniversary. I'm so lucky!

If you need inspiration for your wedding anniversary presents, I highly recommend checking out what the material is for your year, it really helped us both!

Much love,
Kitty xxx

Being Ghosted : Things I Love About Summer

Our First Wedding Anniversary

Today is mine and Stu's first wedding anniversary! We're spending it away on holiday with some dear friends of ours, but I thought I'd share some of my favourite photos from our day and some of the things I've learnt during our first year of marriage.

I've learnt that really, marriage doesn't change a whole lot. Life is pretty much the same, we still binge watch tv shows on Netflix, hang out in our local with our friends, pick on each other relentlessly, but now we do it as husband and wife instead.

I've learnt that in Stu I have a husband who supports me and is literally there through sickness and in health. He's been there with me when I've been at my most ill, and held my hand and looked after me, and I'm so so lucky to have that.

I've learnt that I'll always smile when I look at my wedding ring, but that I will eventually manage to stop crying every time I hear one of our weddings song! They fill my heart with complete delight and take me back to the day itself.

I learnt that you can absolutely have a wedding playlist filled with metal, rock, pop punk, ska and glam and still fill the dance floor all night long. I know a lot of more alternative couples worry about having music that they love and people getting up and dancing, but our dance floor was filled all night long. You might be surprised to discover that your Uncle from Wales is actually a massive metal head, or that your cousin's husband is a punk rocker at heart. I was so surprised at what people loved! We had a ridiculous mosh pit to Rage Against the Machine's Killing in the Name and I broke my dress head banging and it was SO much fun.

I learnt that once you've been married for 6 months the baby questions start and never seem to stop. From total strangers to family friends, people seem to think it's OK to ask when you are having kids. I'm not having children, it's just not something I want from life, and I don't understand why people think it's OK to ask you questions about this. While I've made a choice to not have children, plenty of others have that decision taken away from them and I can't imagine the hurt of having people pry about it. I've also learnt that people look at you like a monster when you say you don't want children of your own. I have 3 wonderful step-children that I'm so lucky to have in my life, but having children isn't for me.

I've learnt that time apart is important so you can both do your own things. We do so much together, but sometimes it's also awesome to just chill out on the sofa on your own in your pants eating pizza and watching Ru Paul's Drag Race. Sadly Stu is just not into Drag Race despite my best attempts! Sometimes when you are married people see you as a solid unit, so you are invited every where as a couple and it's expected you'll do everything together, but it's important to do your own thing too and not lose who you are as an individual.

I've learnt that being silly together is so important. Weddings can be really serious, but that's just not us. Being ridiculous and daft is so integral to our relationship that it had to be part of our wedding too. Take time to laugh and just be together and be delirious and happy that you are married. In our daily life play fighting and tickling and laughing at cat memes on the internet is the stuff that keeps us laughing and together. Memes are important stuff!

I've learnt that all my favourite photos from our wedding are the unposed ones. It's the photos taken when we didn't even know any photos were taken that we really love. Like the photo above, we were getting ready to have our photo taken and Stu was pretty er... tipsy by this point, and he just came over to me laughing and cuddled in and it's probably my favourite photo from the whole day. It's so natural and us. Let your photographer follow you around and capture you in your natural habitat! I'm so happy we booked Donna of ClickClickBang and her husband as a second shooter (which was a decision we were lucky to be able to make about a week before the wedding!) because so many moments got captured that could have been missed by a single shooter because they just can't be everywhere at once.

And I've learnt that being lucky enough to marry your best friend in the whole world is everything. Being best friends as well as partners makes our lives so much fun, and I feel so lucky to have been able to meet Stu.

I just hope he likes the present I got him!

Much love,

Kitty xxxxx

I Don't Want Children And That's OK : Colourpop Eyes

I Don't Want Children, And That's OK

It's been almost a year since Stu and I got married, and one of the questions that seems to pop up more and more since we hit that 6 month mark is, 'When are you having children?'. There are whole bunch of reasons that asking people this is problematic, and why we should stop asking this question. 

So, first things first. I hate this question. It's invasive and it makes certain assumptions. It assumes that we want children, and it assumes that we are physically able to have children. I have no idea if I can have children or not, I've never had any desire to try to have one and I've never been pregnant, but I do know a great many people who have tried to conceive and have been unable to, or have struggled to. I've seen the pain in people's eyes when people have asked them about babies, and seen the hurt those questions have caused. I can't speak about other people's pain, but I can suggest that asking very personal questions about people's ability to conceive is certainly not going to help. In the future I hope people stop asking what I consider to be a very private question, that is really only a subject to be discussed between partners.

I don't want children. I've never been filled with the desire to have them. I'm not someone who is filled with delight at babies. I've never been that way. There's nothing 'wrong' with me, despite what people have suggested over the years, it's just not for me. I have 3 awesome older step children, and I know some great kids, I'm better with them once they are a bit older. I'll make a fantastic bad influence of an Auntie once your kid starts getting an interest in music! People talk about the 'maternal instinct', whether it exists or not is a different debate entirely, but I know I don't have that feelings others seem to have when they see a blooming pregnant belly or a baby bouncing in a pram.

I've heard all the usual platitudes people offer when I say I don't want children. 'You'll change your mind when you get older' (I'm almost 30), 'It's different when they're your own' (but what if it's not?), 'But who'll look after you when you get old?' (what a terrible reason to have children!) and more. I think my personal favourites are 'You're being selfish', because surely it's more selfish to bring an unwanted child into the world, and 'What will you leave behind when you're gone?', and well, I'd like to hope that people see people who have children as more than just parents. I'd like to think that I'll leave behind writing that might have helped someone, or photos that have inspired someone. And if I don't achieve that, then my life won't have been hollow and empty simply because I didn't have children.

It seems to be a question that is aimed far more at women than it is at men. I'm not less of a woman because I've made a decision to not have children, having children does not make someone a woman. What defines being a woman is simply someone defining themselves as a woman! There is a huge amount of pressure on women to fulfil certain roles in society, we are to be wives, mothers, cleaners, carers, we are to meet a man and have 2.4 children and a white picket fence and a dog. It is incredibly sexist to assume that because I am a woman, I should want children. It's not something people seem to ask men is it? I can't recall anyone asking my husband about him having children, whereas I've been asked dozens of times since we got married.

Not everyone wants the same things from life, and that's what makes the world go round! Some people want to travel the earth, some have fantastic collections they've accrued over the years, other people fill their lives with rescue animals, some want to write and others feel music deep within their souls. All these things help make us the diverse and unique individuals we are, and that includes whether or not we might want children. The world would be a very boring place if we all had the same desires.

Asking people when they are having children is such an invasive and private question. Many people want children, and a growing number of us don't, and that's OK! So next time you might want to ask someone when they are having children, just take a moment and reconsider before you do.

Much love, 

Kitty xxxx

Colourpop Eyes : Bell Sleeves & Stripes