My Facial Injury 3 Months On

TW for body image issues.

It's been almost exactly 3 months since I injured my face. For an in depth info about what happened and the immediate aftermath check out this blog so I'm not repeating a lot of the story. When I wrote that it had been a month since the initial injury, and now I'm at just under 3 months. A lot has changed, and a lot hasn't too. When I wrote the first blog I think I was just so happy that I hadn't injured my eye that my brain hadn't processed what had happened properly. Now I've had more time to deal with it and I have to admit, I'm a lot less OK with it than I was.

This photo gives a pretty good representation of what my face looks like now. I have quite a prominent red scar that cuts through my eyebrow, leaving me with a good chunk of eyebrow that no longer grows. That's the easy bit though, because of how it cuts through my eyebrow I've been plucking out the strays hairs that have tried to grow back in underneath the scar because they are really sparse and it just looks a bit odd. My eyebrows were one of my favourite things about myself; I always loved that I didn't over pluck my brows as a teenager so my naturally thick brows survived the early noughties. Not anymore! People often say that eyebrows should be like sisters rather than twins, mine are barely even related at this point.

These are probably the closest before and after photos I can find. It turns out I don't take many photos with me looking directly at the camera. My eyes have physically changed shape, my eye now droops and is still swollen. I don't think it's going to go down at this point. With hindsight it looks like I actually fractured my eye socket in the fall which explains the really bad bruising. I am just about getting to the point where I can comfortably touch my face now, but only just. It's still sore, but not so painful I flinch away. I can't sleep on that side still, but I can lie on it for a little while before it becomes too painful.

One of the side effects I did not anticipate is how hard it is to wear makeup now. My lower eyelashes touch my face at all times so I get constant transfer from them. My upper eyelid is so swollen my eyelashes no longer curl upwards, and even when I curl them they don't have the right angle to them. So if you have any good cruelty free recommendations for mascara that does not shift, please send me them because I'm really struggling! The swelling also means that when I pull certain faces I develop a crease that runs along the length of my eyebrow underneath it.

It's strange not to recognise your face when you catch sight of it in the mirror. I've cried over it, more than I'd like to admit. And I think admitting to myself that I'm not OK with the changes to my face is important, my feelings are valid and I shouldn't push them away. I've spent a lot of time telling myself that I had no right to be so upset because people go through so much worse, and experience a lot more change to their bodies and faces in accidents. I told myself I had no right to write about what happened and how I feel because people have it worse. But my being upset does not minimise anyone else's experience, and I'm allowed to hurt. My face changed, and I didn't want it too, and that hurts.

My face took me a long time to learn to love. I never considered myself pretty, I had way too many teeth as a teenager and had braces for years. I have a round face, a fat face, and it took a long time to consider myself to be attractive. I tend to think of myself as cute, because I know people like my smile, and it makes them smile. I don't think of myself as pretty, and now my face has changed once again and I don't know how to feel about it. And for now, that's OK. Self love is a journey, and this is just a speed bump I've hit along the way.

Much love,

Kitty xxxx

Brides, Get Yours Arms Out! : Lady V London Lyra

Brides, Get Your Arms Out!

While Stu and I got married last June, I have to admit, I'm still a bit wedding obsessed and I'm in a few wedding Facebook groups. One of the things I see crop up over and over again is brides looking for their dream wedding dresses and panicking about having their arms on show. But brides, I'm hear to tell you you can have your arms out and look amazing, and not even think about them on the day!

I have big arms. And I do mean BIG arms. I always have done. My arms have stretchmarks and uneven skin tone, and a crease in them. They aren't smooth, and they certainly aren't small. And I rocked bare arms on my wedding day and felt wonderful and beautiful.

For a long time I really struggled with my arms, and I used to keep them covered at all times. I was convinced everyone was staring at them all the time, and that my arms were all people noticed about me. One summer it was just too hot to keep my arms covered up, so I wore a vest top instead. And you know what, the world didn't end. No one even noticed. So I started wearing sleeves less and less, and found that over time, I cared less and less too.

When it came to planning my wedding dress my first instinct was to have sleeves so that my arms weren't on show. I initially planned lacy three quarter length sleeves, and a totally different dress, thinking that I just couldn't possibly wear the style of dress I'd always dreamed of. Once I actually booked my dressmaker however, that all changed and I just decided to go for it. It was my wedding day, and my wedding dress, why not just go for it?! So I did, I decided to have a purple version of the dress of my dreams, the wedding dress from the Guns n Roses music video for November Rain. Which meant legs out, and arms out.

So I got my arms out. And no one cared. Not even me. I was the most beautiful I'd ever been on my wedding day, and not even once did I feel self conscious about my arms. I was far too busy having the best day of my life to care about my arms! I'm so glad I decided to ditch the sleeves, it ended up being a beautiful summer's day and I'd have been too hot and just plain uncomfortable all day in sleeves. 

My arms didn't stop me from looking and feeling amazing on my wedding day, they were in fact something I never thought about even once. Don't feel like you have to cover yourself up to be beautiful, I didn't and I'm so happy because of that decision. When I think about the dress that almost was, versus my dream dress, I'm so pleased I didn't settle because I was scared of what people would think.

No one looked at my arms, they looked at my smiling happy face and told me I was beautiful instead. (I mean hell, they probably looked at my boobs a bit too because where the hell did they come from and where have they been since?!). The only person your arms bother is you, your loved ones will see you in your wedding dress and think wow, and your partner will fight back tears on seeing you for the first time. So go for it and get your arms out!

Much love,

Kitty xxxx

PS. My wedding photos are by the incredible ClickClickBang Photography.

It's The Little Things That Help

The journey to loving yourself is never a straight line, and it's not something that I think ever truly ends. There are bumps and bends and twists and turns, and sometimes it feels like you've taken 4 steps backwards when you were doing so well. But here's the thing, you can't undo years of social conditioning and self torment over night. Body positivity is an endless mission, and it can seem impossible, but I think it's all the little things that help you on your way.

Not that long ago I'd have been horrified to share a photo of myself in swim wear, and with so much thigh on show. But I've been pushing myself and take little leaps towards self love, and this photo is one of those steps. Getting my knees and thighs out was absolutely terrifying to me. To be quite honest, in the not so distant past I basically lived in full length leggings, getting none of my legs out, no matter the weather. I was miserable in the summer heat! 

I'm not the sort of person who can just dive into something completely new. I'm naturally quite an anxious person and I've had CBT to help me deal with that. What that means is that instead of just rocking a mini dress and ditching the leggings, instead I slowly shortened my leggings. I opted for calf length leggings first, then eventually I wore midi dresses with shorts underneath instead, so you could almost see my knees. My knees! My dimply fat little knees. And then the dresses started to shrink, and now I'm all skies out, thighs out!

It took me about 3 years before I felt comfortable enough to go out pretty much anywhere I felt like with my thighs and knees out. And there is plenty I am still pushing myself to do. But rather than throwing myself into a scary outfit, I like to creep in, and that's ok too. Baby steps are absolutely a legitimate way to work towards self love. Not everyone is ready to rock their VBO or flash their skin in a bikini, but you might be ready to slink your way into a sleeveless dress for the first time. You might want to take a wrap or little cardigan with you in case you begin to feel insecure, but everyone has to start somewhere.

Learning to love yourself might take a little while, and that's just fine!

Much love,

Kitty xxxx

Guest Post : Miss Kitty Kaos on Body Positivity

Hey Cats, 

As the lovely Kitty Rambles is off getting married I jumped forward to guest post because Kitty is pretty rad and we share a love of alternative make up/fashion and True Romance! I am sure you're all with me when I say a huge congratulations and are waiting eagerly to see pictures and posts about the big day. 

Well I am Kitty Kaos and I blog over at Adventures Of  A Riot Grrrl (http://www.adventuresofariotgrrrl.com/) I blog about fashion, feminism and more. I haven't always been very body positive and grew up the fat grrrl. All my friends were super slim and I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb and then I discovered the amazing world of riot grrrl packed full of kick ass women who didn't care what the world thought of them and weren't afraid to speak their minds. So I am going to share some things I have learnt along the way. 

The media around us today is becoming a little more inclusive but there are always huge slip ups that when faced with it can hit you. Like when self centred you tubers make horrible videos or a brand you follow posts a negative tweet. You can suddenly feel like you're back at the start.  What a lot of people don't tell you is that's normal. Body positivity is a journey and it takes time to build but slowly you start to notice yourself making small steps like wearing a sleeveless dress or not wearing leggings. You know what you discover when you do? The world doesn't stop spinning, nobody points and laughs at you and on those sunny days you are so much cooler it can be so liberating and freeing that you may find yourself never looking back.

Experiment with fashion that you never would have dreamt of trying. You may never have thought of trying a bodycon dress or a tube skirt or even wore a dress at all. For the longest time I told myself I couldn't wear dresses I was that mopey teenage girl who wore baggy jeans and big band T shirts to try and hide the fact that I was fat. Let me tell you a secret...your body shape will still be there and you will still have lumps and bumps but dressing them in clothes that make you feel amazing will make you feel so much better about yourself. One day that mopey teenager saw a dress and thought what the hell and tried it on and never looked back. Now I constantly push my own boundaries and keep surprising myself. Sometimes I love the things I try and sometimes I don't but that is all part of the fun! 

Ignore the labels, honestly it sounds crazy but I can wear anything from a size 18-24 depending on where I am shopping. So many shops get their sizing so wrong. Which is why bloggers are great to follow because we will tell you if an item comes up small or big. Don't  take it personally if you put on a dress and it is a size that scares you. You don't have to share that with anyone else if you don't want to. Most importantly look at how it fits you and how it makes you feel once you take the labels away. Instead of focusing on the negatives think of the positives, does it make your bum look awesome? Or is the most comfortable wearable skirt you ever found, even better if the answer is both! 

Surround yourself with positive influence. If you find that magazines you're reading aren't making you happy or representing you then find new ones. I love reading fanzines, blogs and Slink magazine caters for plus size awesomeness. Social media can be a great place to dive into as there are so many body positive and welcoming communities now like #pizzasisters4lyfe or #whatfatgirlsactuallywear. Go drool over the awesome style and start planning your next killer outfit. You can find me on Instagram too (https://instagram.com/misskittykaos/) come and say hi. There are also some amazing artists you can find on social media like Melly-Em Clark (https://www.etsy.com/uk/people/mellyemclark) and Murder of Goths (http://murderofgoths.co.uk/). When you surround yourself with positive media and people you will feel a lot happier inside and out. 

Most importantly remember that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. You're beautiful and you deserve to be happy we only have one life so start living it! 

Do you have any tips for body positivity or a story to share? 

Stop Judging Other People's Body Modifications

My name is Kitty, and when I was 27, I had Botox for the first time. I've had it every 3 months since. I've been getting piercings other than my ears since I was around 17, and got my first tattoo at 26. Lately I've been seeing a lot of hate from the body modification community towards those who have plastic surgery and less invasive kinds of fillers and Botox and the like and it's not cool.

Before Botox, this was my life. Hospital visits and a whole lot more medication than I'm sharing in that photo. I suffer from hemiplegic migraines and a form of chronic headaches. This means I am in pain 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Or at least, I was. Thanks to Botox I've been able to avoid hospital visits and ambulances for a little while now and it's incredible.

I took this selfie the first time I ended up on a stroke unit. Hemiplegic migraines essentially mimic strokes without the brain damage. Slurred speech, one sided numbness, confusion, aphasia, drooping face, all the fun stuff. It is absolutely terrifying.

I've tried dozens of different medications and treatments, and nothing worked until Botox. I have it every 3 months and it totally changed my life. I have 36 injections in my forehead, scalp and neck and let me tell you, Botox bloody hurts like hell. I cry every time. I've been tattooed for 6 hours in one sitting and there is just no comparison in the pain. I can't move my eyebrows anymore, and the slight wrinkle I had coming in my forehead has vanished.

And since I had Botox I realised something. There is a running theme within the tattoo/modified community of a prejudice towards those who have pursued a different type of body modification. I'm talking lip fillers, Botox, fake boobs, nose jobs and more. The tattoo community seems to consider it's type of body modification superior to these other types of modification because they are more associated with vanity than tattoos are. Because Botox hides aging, or fillers increase your pout, people believe their artwork covered bodies are different or better. I see so much hate from people who claim to be open minded towards those who have these other kinds of modification.

The body positive community is all about embracing who you are, and loving yourself, but that isn't always possible for some people. I felt like my body hated me before Botox, and now I can love it because it doesn't feel like it is rebelling against me. People get fake boobs because they've always been self conscious about their breasts, or because they are having reconstruction after breast cancer, or because they just love the look of huge fake boobs! You might love the exaggerated look of lip fillers, or have always wanted a split tongue, or a full back piece, it's body modification in a different form. And one isn't better than the other.

Tattoos aren't better than Botox, your nose piercing isn't cooler than a nose job. The body modification community has always claimed to be supportive and welcoming, but it is judging an entire group of people because their ways of modifying their body are different to their ideas of body modification. You aren't superior because you have tattoos and someone else has cheek fillers.

As someone who has always felt part of the alternative community, to see us judging other people's choices hurts, especially when I didn't have a choice about whether or not to have Botox. Seeing memes and jokes about frozen foreheads and about how awful people must be who have it, it hurts. Being judged by people who know nothing about you sucks. Why people have body modification is none of your business, and what kind of body modification is 'OK' is none of your business either. 

I believe everyone deserves total body autonomy, and that includes their right to get their preferred body modification without judgement from others. I want to see less judgement from the alternative and body positive communities, we have to learn to embrace everyone's choices about their own bodies. Whether you like the look of their modification, or would never have it done to yourself, you have no right to judge. The reasons I have Botox are irrelevant, I shouldn't have to justify it to you so you don't judge me.

Not your body, not your choice.

Much love,

Kitty xxxx

PS. All my tattoos are by Keely Rutherford!

Simply Be : Why do people take before and after photos?

A photo can share so many things, a beautiful memory, a silly moment, a cute new dress, but at this time of year, we are encouraged to share our before and after photos, and the diet industry is running rampant. Photos can be so important, but the kind of before and after photos that I want to see aren't of 'good' or 'bad' bodies, because all bodies are good bodies!

Simply Be asked me to write about why I love my body, and that was easy! You can read all about why I and several other bloggers love our bodies here.

I love that Simply Be want to see you take a negative and turn it into a positive. We put our bodies through so much. Did you get stretch marks when you were pregnant? Awesome! You were able to carry a life inside of you and have a baby. 

Do you have a strong nose you inherited from your Dad's side of the family? Kick ass! You can literally see your family history in the photos of your great-grandparents and their relatives.

Did you used to wear super flared jeans and trip over them smashing your face into a brick wall, requiring stitches in your face and being scarred for life? Amazing! You ended up with an adorable and unique facial scar that actually you really love. (That one is maybe sort of me. I am not looking forward to flares coming back into fashion).

You are worth so much more than the numbers on a scale. What makes you wonderful is what's on the inside. It's how you like to surprise your Grandparents with a visit, or that you always make sure your best friend has gotten home safe from a night out. It's that people know you are are available on the phone whenever they need you, and the way you can't resist rescuing just one more cat. That's what is important about you. Not the weight of your thighs or the wobble of your chin, it's the kindness in your heart that matters.

Your body is just your vessel, the thing that allows you to be the bad ass babe you are. So be good to yourself, and remember that the only kind of before and after photo that counts, is one in which you are smiling.

Much love,

Kitty xxxxx

Written in collaboration with Simply Be.

Why I Love My Tattoos

I started getting tattooed in March 2014 after almost 10 years of wanting to get tattooed. I always loved them. I loved seeing beautiful ladies covered in pretty pictures and bad ass men with mysterious patterns on them, and I wanted to be one of those pretty ladies. As a young teen, I loved punks and goths and counter culture. I read BME Zine, and realised that there was this whole world of body modification and self expression that I knew nothing about. As I grew older, I knew I wanted tattoos, but I also wanted to wait to get them. By 21, most of my friends who had been tattooed were getting cover ups and reworks, or longing for them! So I waited, and I read, and I learnt as much as I could, until I knew I had found the right person for what I wanted.

This was my first piece. I travelled to Manchester to Loaded Forty-Four and got tattooed by Keely Rutherford. I'm now one session off a completed lower leg sleeve, and have no plans to stop from there. To be tattooed by Keely I've travelled to Manchester, Leeds and London. Because the cliche is true, 'good work ain't cheap, and cheap work ain't good'! I'd rather travel and really get the perfect artist than settle.

Before I started getting tattooed, I lived in full length leggings. I hated my legs. I have eczema scars, weird patches of pigment, and I also have have sort of weird red blotchy pores on my legs. It's always bugged me, even though I'm sure no one else really noticed it! But that's kind of the thing with insecurities, they bother us, even if no one else has ever mentioned them before. When my eczema was bad, or when my scars are obvious, people have pointed them out to me. Still do actually, because I still have eczema. And knowing that it's something people notice is hard. When little kids ask their parents what is wrong with that ladies leg, or someone blunt just outright asks, you realise it's not all in your head.

But since I started getting tattooed, I feel so much more confident! I'm no longer worried about what people are looking at on my legs, instead I know they are looking at my tattoos! I love the colours, I feel like they are an extension of me and I love my body so much more for having them. I can't imagine my skin without them, I feel like I'm becoming the 'me' I was always meant to be. I used to be convinced people could see all the things I was insecure about, and now, even if they can, I don't care, because my body is becoming beautiful art.

Who wouldn't love their body more for being covered in art? I know tattoos aren't for everyone, the world would be pretty boring if we all liked the same things, but they are for me. And that's what I love about my tattoos, they are for me, and no one else. I feel beautiful and special with them. Even when no one can see them because they are covered up, I feel amazing. They make me smile every single time I see them!

I'm more inclined to have my legs out, to wear short leggings or none at all. Loving yourself is such a hard journey, and tattoos have helped me love a part of myself I've always hated. And that can't be a bad thing.

I have ideas for my other leg, and ideas for more tattoos elsewhere. Sorry Mum! Do you have tattoos? Where are they? Who did them? I love seeing work from artists I haven't discovered yet.

Much love,

Kitty xxxxx

Plus Size Blogger Promise

This summer, I am taking part in a special plus size blogger promise, inspired by the adorable Katt. I am going to promise 5 things to myself this summer! So here are my promises....

1. I promise to not cover my arms.

My arms have always been a problem area for me, I have stretchmarks on them, this weird sort of crease in them, and I am so aware of them. I have gone whole summers boiling hot, wearing sleeves and cardigans and hiding them away. And I won't do it anymore!

2. I promise to try out new styles.

For the longest time I wore a uniform of black skirt, short sleeve tshirt, full length leggings. All plain. Never ever will I go back to that again!

3. I promise to not live in leggings all summer long.

So me and leggings have a long history. Since about 2009 I've probably worn them with basically every outfit until relatively recently, feeling like I had to cover up my whole legs. I hated my knees, my calves, my ankles, all of them! Since I started getting my legs tattooed last year, this changed. Rather than focus on the eczema scars, and the shapes of my legs, all I see are these beautiful designs and I love my legs. I can't wait to get them tattooed more and have them out!

4. I promise to embrace bright colours.

I love black clothing. I think it's instantly classy, sexy, and just generally bad ass. But wearing black all the time is also part of my clothing security blanket thanks to that old adage that black is slimming. No more, I want colour, colour and more colour!

5. I promise to share the love!

Summer so often means more snark than usual for us fat women. And I know that I am no angel, we've been programmed to judge each other, and be catty, and we are better than that. Instead of seeing someone wearing something I'm not brave enough to wear and judging them, I want to celebrate them instead. Share the love!

And in the theme of sharing the love, I'm going to share with you all the other babely bloggers who are taking part in this #PlusSizePromise

Please check them out!

Katt - www.acurvycupcake.com

Debz - www.wannabeprincess.co.uk

Hayley - Curvesncurlsuk.blogspot.co.uk

Toni - Www.theleftofperfect.blogspot.co.uk

Vicky  - http://therandomnessoftwee.blogspot.co.uk/

Kitty Kaos - www.Adventuresofariotgrrrl.com

Vicky - http://www.thecurvedopinion.com

Kathryn - www.misskathrynsmisstakes.co.uk 

Sarah - www.plussizeproud.co.uk

Becky - Bixxboxxbitsbox.wordpress.com

Kerry-Ann - http://voluptuouschatterbox.blogspot.co.uk/

Daisy - https://iwillnotwrapmyselfinsmocksandapologies.wordpress.com/

Leah - www.justmeleah.co.uk 

Charli - http://curvygirlthin.blogspot.co.uk

Tanya - http://secretplussizegoddess.blogspot.com

Filipa - http://uniquelyfilipa.blogspot.pt

Kathryn - www.murderofgoths.co.uk

Much love,

Kitty xxxxx