A Chronic Pain Update

It's been a little while since I talked about my chronic pain, but as last week I had my three monthly Botox top up I thought it seemed like a good time to update you guys.

The short version - I suffer from chronic hemiplegic migraines and chronic atypical head pain. This means a 24/7 headache and migraines that mimic strokes and put me in so much pain that I end up in hospital. I have Botox every 3 months and it is the only treatment I have ever had that works.

For the longer version, I've written a bunch of blog posts about it, but the majority of that is here, 'Living with chronic pain'. 

I started having Botox about 16 months or so ago, and have had it every 3 months since. It has been the most wondrous and miraculous thing I could have ever dreamt of. I am so grateful to the NHS for this treatment, I am so lucky to have found Doctors that listened to me and believed me, and I am thankful for the neurologist who changed my life by agreeing to give me Botox.

Botox is not your typical sort of treatment, it was discovered as a treatment for headaches and migraines completely by accident. People were having Botox for cosmetic reasons and began to report back that they no longer had the migraines they had always suffered with. Without people having Botox for cosmetic reasons, this treatment would never have been discovered, science and medicine are pretty amazing! It works by freezing the muscles in my head that cause my migraines and constantly spasm, causing my head pain. Once those nerves and muscles are frozen, no more pain.

Botox, for me at least, is incredibly painful. I sob every time. I have 36 injections in total, in my forehead, the base of my skull, the top of my neck/back, in my scalp around my ears. There is very little skin or flesh, this makes it very sore to have injections into those sites. The thing with Botox is, that the needle going into your skin is painful, but the feeling of the Botox going into your skin is even more painful. Botox is a poison, and it hurts. I bleed a lot, my forehead is usually a mess of blood afterwards. I have a lot more Botox injected than someone would have for cosmetic reasons, which is usually only a handful, whereas I have 3 large needles full of Botox. It hurts so much I can't concentrate afterwards, so someone has to drive me back and for my appointment, which isn't at my local hospital, but one 40 minutes away. For a few days afterwards I am incredibly sore, I bruise badly at the injection sites and I am not allowed to wash my hair for at least 2 full days after the Botox so as not to irritate the sites.

I am no longer on any medication for my chronic pain. I spent almost 7 years on various intense medication regiments, taking everything from tramadol, to morphine, to various SSRIs, all sorts of medication, even beta blockers despite being asthmatic. Beta blockers can cause asthma attacks and they certainly did in me, so whilst I tried to cope, desperate for anything to work, I couldn't continue. Not being on medication means I am allowed to drink alcohol if I choose to, something I had not been allowed to in years. I don't really drink, but it's nice to have the option if I want to. 

The Botox I have last for 3 months, I can always tell when my appointment is getting close because I can move my right eyebrow again, and I start to get a headache again. It is usually just into the moderate pain rating by the time I have my appointment. Thanks to Botox, I have not had to visit the hospital because of my pain even once. I can wear sunglasses again, tie my hair up, sleep comfortably, wear a head band if I want to, stay up late at night and not be in agony the next day, it changed my life.

I get real, pain free days. I have not had a single migraine since treatment began. I live an almost normal life without having to constantly worry about how many spoons I have left, or how much I will pay for those spoons the next day. Towards the end of my 3 months I do have to think about this, but to not have to do that every day... it's something I couldn't have ever dreamed of happening.

No more hospitals, no more medication, and most importantly, I am no longer in pain all day, every day. I love the NHS.

Much love,

Kitty xxxx

Our New Kitchen : Colourpop Haul

Stop Judging Other People's Body Modifications

My name is Kitty, and when I was 27, I had Botox for the first time. I've had it every 3 months since. I've been getting piercings other than my ears since I was around 17, and got my first tattoo at 26. Lately I've been seeing a lot of hate from the body modification community towards those who have plastic surgery and less invasive kinds of fillers and Botox and the like and it's not cool.

Before Botox, this was my life. Hospital visits and a whole lot more medication than I'm sharing in that photo. I suffer from hemiplegic migraines and a form of chronic headaches. This means I am in pain 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Or at least, I was. Thanks to Botox I've been able to avoid hospital visits and ambulances for a little while now and it's incredible.

I took this selfie the first time I ended up on a stroke unit. Hemiplegic migraines essentially mimic strokes without the brain damage. Slurred speech, one sided numbness, confusion, aphasia, drooping face, all the fun stuff. It is absolutely terrifying.

I've tried dozens of different medications and treatments, and nothing worked until Botox. I have it every 3 months and it totally changed my life. I have 36 injections in my forehead, scalp and neck and let me tell you, Botox bloody hurts like hell. I cry every time. I've been tattooed for 6 hours in one sitting and there is just no comparison in the pain. I can't move my eyebrows anymore, and the slight wrinkle I had coming in my forehead has vanished.

And since I had Botox I realised something. There is a running theme within the tattoo/modified community of a prejudice towards those who have pursued a different type of body modification. I'm talking lip fillers, Botox, fake boobs, nose jobs and more. The tattoo community seems to consider it's type of body modification superior to these other types of modification because they are more associated with vanity than tattoos are. Because Botox hides aging, or fillers increase your pout, people believe their artwork covered bodies are different or better. I see so much hate from people who claim to be open minded towards those who have these other kinds of modification.

The body positive community is all about embracing who you are, and loving yourself, but that isn't always possible for some people. I felt like my body hated me before Botox, and now I can love it because it doesn't feel like it is rebelling against me. People get fake boobs because they've always been self conscious about their breasts, or because they are having reconstruction after breast cancer, or because they just love the look of huge fake boobs! You might love the exaggerated look of lip fillers, or have always wanted a split tongue, or a full back piece, it's body modification in a different form. And one isn't better than the other.

Tattoos aren't better than Botox, your nose piercing isn't cooler than a nose job. The body modification community has always claimed to be supportive and welcoming, but it is judging an entire group of people because their ways of modifying their body are different to their ideas of body modification. You aren't superior because you have tattoos and someone else has cheek fillers.

As someone who has always felt part of the alternative community, to see us judging other people's choices hurts, especially when I didn't have a choice about whether or not to have Botox. Seeing memes and jokes about frozen foreheads and about how awful people must be who have it, it hurts. Being judged by people who know nothing about you sucks. Why people have body modification is none of your business, and what kind of body modification is 'OK' is none of your business either. 

I believe everyone deserves total body autonomy, and that includes their right to get their preferred body modification without judgement from others. I want to see less judgement from the alternative and body positive communities, we have to learn to embrace everyone's choices about their own bodies. Whether you like the look of their modification, or would never have it done to yourself, you have no right to judge. The reasons I have Botox are irrelevant, I shouldn't have to justify it to you so you don't judge me.

Not your body, not your choice.

Much love,

Kitty xxxx

PS. All my tattoos are by Keely Rutherford!

2015.

2015 was been a hell of a year. It's had ups, and more downs that I would care to remember, and there are loved ones who aren't here to see in the new year that I wish more than anything were here. I thought I'd do a little summary of some of the good bits of 2015, those moments I want to remember and celebrate.

I went to Tattoo Tea Party and got tattooed by Keely Rutherford. It was a really great event with some incredible artists, and it was fun to get tattooed in a totally different environment and see how I dealt with it. Plus, True Romance inspired moth!

I surprised Stu with a tattoo by Lawrence Canham for his 40th birthday. He was so excited, and Lawrence totally blew us both away with his work. It was so fun being able to surprise Stu!

I went to a Scarlett & Jo meet up in Sheffield hosted by Georgina Grogan. It was the first time I had met any other plus size bloggers, and it was so lovely to finally get to!

Festivals! Stu and I went to 2 fake festivals this summer, Boltfest and Feswich, and had such an awesome time. It is always good to get away from home with the one you love and adventure. These are both actually free festivals and so so good for free!

I got Botox! I vlogged and blogged about it, but the short version is this - I have had serious chronic headaches and migraines for the last 6 years that have left me in pain everyday, in and out of hospital, and generally limited in what I could do. Botox has given me my life back and allows me to live a pretty normal life which is something I truly believed was only a dream for me. I love the NHS!

I went to London and met Steph from Nerd About Town. Ever meet someone and feel like you've known them forever and just totally adore them right away? Yeah, that happened. What an absolute babe.

I got my tattoos turned into a lower leg sleeve by Keely Rutherford! I have one more session to go before it is finished, but I love my leg soooooo much. Isn't it the prettiest?!

I went to the Curve Fashion Festival and met more amazing ladies than I could ever have dreamed of! To be surrounded by so many incredible and inspiring people was just brilliant, and I met people I just know I will be friends with for the longest time. 

I did a whole ton of photoshoots but I'm going to feature my favourite photos of the year in a seperate blog post.

These are my top instagram photos of 2015! This was so fun to see. It's totally different from last year's top photos on my instagram which was all my photography of models instead.

And finally, but so so importantly, Sinbad joined our furbaby family! Every day all my fur children just totally blow me away with their love. I feel so honoured to be their Momma! Sinbad has been through such a trauma with getting shot in the eye, a new home, and losing his eye, and he is still the sweetest and loveliest little handsome man. He follows me around all the time and sleeps on my back. MY HEART <3 He makes me have all the feels. All of them!

What were your 2015 highlights? What gave you all the fuzzies?

Much love,

Kitty xxxx

I snagged myself some bargains in the Asda George sale!

August Favourites

August has been a crazy month, lots of life changes and different things happening, so my monthly favourites are a little bit out of the ordinary!

 Two huge things happened that changed my life. I blogged about them both so I'm not going to go into too much detail, but I have to mention them because they are total faves!

I had Botox for my chronic headaches and migraines. I cannot get over how much it has improved my life. I can tie my hair up, wash it whenever I like, I'm not in pain. It's absolutely incredible and I couldn't be happier!

We welcomed the gorgeous Sinbad into our lives. Since I posted about Sinbad, he has unfortunately had to have his eye removed due to increased inter ocular pressure in it, but he is the happiest and fussiest little man, and has been such a trooper throughout everything. His vet totally fell in love with him and said that he's the best cat he's ever met. Chuffed furbaby Momma right here! I already can't remember what it was like without him. He sleeps with us, sits with us, and is generally supervises us around the house no matter what we are doing. He sits on the bathmat when I have a shower even haha! What a cutie.

So those are the two biggies, now onto the more materialist stuff!

LovedRobe Daisy Chiffon Jacket*

This is one of the cutest pieces I have ever owned, and perfect for the summer-autumn transition. The way it falls is lovely, and the print is adorable.

PunkyPins Butterfly Necklace £13

PunkyPins shared a photo of this on their facebook as a few samples for sale and I snapped one up. I adore butterflies, and the pastel colours are just so pretty. It ended up proving so popular they put it into their shop. I can see why!

Boohoo Plus Hollie Strappy Front Camisole £12

I've been eyeing this top up for ages, and I just had to order it in the end to stop tormenting myself. And boy am I glad I did. I'm not blessed in the boobie department like most plus size ladies, and this top with a plunge bra really makes the best of what I've got! 

Sugar & Vice Dolls Eye Charm Necklace £30

 I snapped this up as an ex-photoshoot piece on Sugar & Vice's Depop after falling head over heels for it when it was first released. We were meant to be together. Creepy cute and glittery. Love.

KleanColor Lipstick in Purple Machine $1

I love this purple! It's totally different from anything I would usually wear, and it makes me feel like an alien princess. For a $1, it's a bargain. The staying power isn't amazing, but who cares with such a fab colour.

KleanColor Utopia Baked Eyeshadow $1

The purple colour in this is possibly my favourite purple I've ever had. And the staying power is brilliant! It lasts all day and doesn't shift, bloody brilliant. I seriously recommend checking out ShopMissA where I ordered the KleanColour makeup from!

I also had a totally amazing adventure to London to meet a bunch of babes and get tattooed... but that's a whole other blog post to come very soon!

I've been saving up for a large tattoo session, so that's it for this month! What were your favourites? And would you like to see more photos of the animals? Cause I can always share more!

Much love,

Kitty xxxx

*this item was gifted for review purposes, but all opinions presented about it are entirely my own.

I'm 27, and I had Botox.

On the 5th August, I had Botox for the first time. I am 27 years old. Until relatively recently, I still got ID'd even. I had Botox for quite an unusual reason. I have Botox for medical reasons, to help with chronic headaches and migraines. I am absolutely for full body autonomy, so if someone wants to get Botox for cosmetic reasons, awesome! My Botox was somewhat different, because it designed to specifically freeze the muscles and nerves that cause my chronic pain.

The morning of my appointment, I looked like crap to say the least. I had no idea if I would approved for the Botox treatment, but after 6 years of pain every single day, I was desperate. I've tried dozens of different medications, and had acupuncture, and all they did was take the edge off. I decided to not wear makeup, I didn't want to hide the reality of being in pain every day. Thanks to instagram filters, this is quite flattering, the bags under my eyes and my dark circles aren't too obvious. I hadn't washed my hair for 5 days, because the pain in my head meant it was too much to wash my hair regularly.

My appointment was in a private hospital. I was referred as an NHS patient however. It was very fancy and had free hot chocolate, that I had to have!

I went in and spoke to my neurologist, he asked me about the treatments I have had, and I showed him the pain diary I have kept for the last 3 months. He began to talk about various medications I hadn't tried and my heart sank. I wasn't going to have Botox. I was going to have to try more medication first. And then, he uttered the words 'after the treatment today' and I couldn't hear anything else. I was fighting back tears immediately. He believed me, he wanted to help me. He wanted to give me Botox. I was so happy!

And then, the Botox. I had 36 injections, 12 in my forehead, 12 in my scalp behind my ears and slightly above them, and the rest in the base of my scalp and my neck. And oh my gosh did the ones in my forehead hurt. There was no more holding back those tears! A few minutes of deep breathing, and it was done. My next appointment was made for November and on I went!

I took these immediately after my appointment, hence the red crying eyes! You can see where one of the injections made me bleed, and the slight lumps I had from the Botox.

It was glorious sunshine when I left and we drove back. It was beautiful. I was so happy, and so excited!

Couldn't stop grinning. I had so much hope for how the treatment would work. The neurologist had told me that for 9 in 10 patients, the pain would be improved by 70%. I had everything crossed! I went to bed early that night, my forehead hurt and I was tired.

And the next day. The next day I woke up, and I didn't hurt.

For the first time in 6 years, I wasn't in pain. And I cannot even begin to explain how that felt. Since then, the Botox has settled more, and I have been basically pain free! My forehead and the injection points were sore for a few days, and my jaw has still been a little painful because I clench it out of habit and grind my teeth.

I rang Stu that first morning, and he laughed the most amazing laugh when I told him I wasn't in pain. It was the most beautiful sound.

I had to share this. It was too funny not to! I can't move my eyebrows anymore, no more The Rock impressions for me!

Got any questions? Please feel free to ask away!

Much love,

Kitty xxxxx