I Have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

For years I've had problems with my right hand, I put it down to it being the hand that held my camera weight, and to breaking it a few times in my younger days. Two years ago it began to be more of an issue, I'd do a photoshoot and barely be able to use my hand for days. I began strapping it up for shoots figuring it was just a strain that was overworked and cut down on my photoshoots. Gradually it began to hurt me all the time, and after some exploring, my doctor suspected I had carpal tunnel syndrome. I had expected to be told it was repetitive strain injury, so it was a shock. I was sent to for nerve conduction studies and was told I had moderate to severe carpal tunnel in my right hand. I was more shocked to be told I also had moderate carpal tunnel in my left hand!

The first step, was to wear a splint to support my hands. The NHS do not provide splints, so I researched some online and ended up buying them from Amazon. I had 'skin coloured' ones, in that ugly beige colour, but ultimately preferred black ones because they blended in with my clothes more. I wore them to sleep as recommended, and found that I basically got no relief. The damage was too far gone.

As our wedding approached last year, I began to panic. I had been so specific about what kind of flowers and bouquet I wanted, and here I was, hands in constant pain, how could I possibly hold my bouquet all day? I spoke to my doctor who decided it was time to try steroid injections in my right hand. The first couple worked great, I got a lot of relief from the pain and my hands worked better. I was able to hold my bouquet for the ceremony and photos before I needed to put it down. By the third injection, it was clear it wasn't going to be an option long term.

By the fourth injection, my doctor struggled to even get the injection into my nerve to give me the steroid treatment. In carpal tunnel your nerves become calcified and compressed, the pain spread and would shoot up my elbow. It's impact upon my daily life became more and more obvious. I cut down on how much I blog, because typing hurts. I switched from ordering pints of water in the pub (yes, I am that person) to having halves or using a straw, because I couldn't life a pint anymore. My hand forgets it is holding things, combined with my clumsiness this has led to lots of dropped and smashed things! I can only drive short distances because it hurts. By the evenings even giving my dog scritches hurts, so poor Ashen even misses out. I have to ask my husband Stu to open jars and bottles, or to carry heavy things for me. Washing my hair hurts, writing hurts, anything that uses my hands hurts.

Want to know a fun fact about carpal tunnel? Painkillers have absolutely no effect on it whatsoever. So there is nothing you can do to alleviate the pain. This is why today I am having the first of my two carpal tunnel surgeries. It's going to put me out of commission for a few weeks, so I have some fantastic guest posts lined up from bloggers I love. Once my right hand is healed, I'll be having my left hand done too. I'm excited to potentially have more use of my hands again, but I'm also realistic and know that my hands won't be how they used to be.

Wish me luck!

Much love,

Kitty xxxx

Colourpop Haul : Bralettes

My New Hearing Aid

I've spoken once or twice about my hearing loss on my blog before, I'm mostly deaf in my left ear and have minor loss in my right ear. I've had hearing loss since birth and it has gotten somewhat worse over the years. I got my first hearing aid at 21 but honestly, I've had nothing but problems with them so haven't worn them regularly ever. I've finally gotten a new one that so far seems to be working great for me!

This is my old hearing aid. I've always had NHS hearing aids so they are the traditional BTE (behind the ear) type, and the larger purple sections goes into my ear and fills in the canal. Normally hearing aids are a standard beige colour that is allegedly skin coloured. They are considered the standard 'skin colour' which is obviously problematic, and in no way are they remotely actually skin coloured. My old ENT kindly let me have a purple hearing aid because I had purple hair and he thought I'd appreciate it. I did! Usually colourful hearing aids and those with stickers are for children to encourage them to wear their hearing aids. I suffer with eczema and swimmer's ear and unfortunately this style hearing aid exacerbated both of those conditions, meaning I couldn't wear the hearing aid.

This is my new style! Still a BTE, but instead the receiver sits inside my ear canal, and the other tube sits in the outside of my ear to keep it in place. It's essentially invisible in my ear bar the small see through tubes. I'm not particularly bothered about it being visible, but I know some people feel self conscious about them. The inner ear design means more air gets into my ear so my skin conditions don't seem to be affected by it so far. It's really comfortable and the sound quality is brilliant. It takes a while to get used to it, my brain needs to re-learn which sounds it needs to filter out as background noise, at the moment everything is just quite loud!

Right not it's all quite new to me, it's the first time I've been able to wear a hearing aid for years with any regularity, I was rather aghast to discover that I actually speak incredibly loudly (which I'm sure everyone who knows me IRL will say 'well duh' to).

Much love,

Kitty xxxx

Autumnal Flowers : Curly Girl 6 Months On

A Morris-Wood Wedding : Working Around Your Health Limitations

One of things I was most worried about when I initially got engaged was my health. At the time I got engaged my chronic headaches and migraines were a real problem for me. I've talked about my life with chronic pain a few times, and for more specific details on it you can read about it here and here, learn about my treatment here, and watch my vlog about it here! I'm not going to go into specifics about it today, but instead talk about how my health has affected my wedding.

When you have a chronic illness, you tend to know there are certain things you can and can't do. I've been incredibly lucky to begin having Botox for my chronic head pain which means I can now do things I couldn't do before. When we got engaged I didn't expect to be able to wear a veil, flower crown, tiara, anything that would sit on my head basically! It would mean more pain than usual, and really paying for it the next day. It's just not worth the risk to potentially end up misterable on your wedding day.

For me, it was about compromise. Looking the way I want to on my wedding day vs the repercussions of essentially knowingly exacerbating my pain. A headband was an absolute no, but could light weight cute clips work? I could probably abide those for a few hours for the reception and photos, and then ditch the for the evening do. Could I plait ribbons into my hair? Or wear a veil that draped over my whole head front and back without being attached? 

Being 'you' on your wedding day is so important, but not at the risk of damaging your health further. More recently I have been diagnosed with carpal tunnel in both of my wrists. I struggle to hold weight in my hands, grip properly, and they ache or hurt almost all of the time. One of the things I've dreamed about is my bouquet. A giant thing, full of my favourite plants and nature, my 5ft 11 frame meant I felt I could carry off a larger bouquet than most. And now I can't open a bottle of Pepsi Max, or  have to get Stu to help me cut up my food. So reality hits. I can't carry that dream bouquet.

And now I have to reconsider my options. My florist is coming up with ideas for me, but it looks like I'll have to opt for a different design, with a wrist strap of some kind, or risk being unable to use my hands properly the next day. Or, I can wear wrist splints on both of my wrists and aim to get help carrying my bouquet during the day. I must admit, this is the option I like the least. My splints give away my pain, and don't match my outfit! If I do have to wear them, I could glam them up, wrap them in ribbon, or glitter them up. There is no avoiding seeing them, so if I do wear them, they'll have to be made to look like they belong. I will admit I cried when I realised that I might not be able to have the one part of my wedding I was so set on, I cried a lot. My health has impacted upon my life so much, but my wedding day.... I had been desperate to avoid that.

Spot the wrist splint!

You should feel amazing on your wedding day. Try to get a good nights sleep the night before (which I know is going to be so hard with how excited I'll be!). So when I wake up I will ensure I take all my usual medication, drink plenty of water, take some painkillers, and make sure I have more in my wedding bag. I will eat an appropriate breakfast. Self care is hugely important, and a good start to the day can really help. I plan to rest if I need to, the bridal suite is there to sneak off to if I need some down time. 

2 of my 4 bridesmaids!

The key thing is asking for help. I plan on roping my bridesmaids in to help carry my bouquet so I can rest between photos. They'll be commissioned to keep me hydrated properly too. My wonderful and enthusiastic florist at Fleurtations is determined to find me a way to carry my dream bouquet. You never know what suggestions people might have, so ask for help! It's OK to acknowledge that there are things you can and can't do, but it's also more than OK to ask people to help you with your health on the day. Your bridal party love you, so explain the situation and I am sure they will help look after you.

Do you have any tips for the spoonie Bride-to-be?

Much love,

Kitty xxxxx

My Hen Do Outfit With LovedRobe : Choosing Your Wedding Rings

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Living with Chronic Pain : Self Care

One of the hardest things about chronic pain, is knowing your limits, and trying to live the most full life you possibly can. It's taken me a long time, but I finally feel like I have a relatively good grasp of my own limits, so wanted to share some of my tips!

1) Listen to your body. For a long time, I did not listen to my body. Instead I pushed and pushed. I was angry that I couldn't do everything I wanted to do. And I paid for it. Big time. Now, when my pain starts to get worse, or I feel those familiar twinges, I reassess the situation. Am I out somewhere that is hard work for me? Can I go home? Can I rest? Have I taken my medication? Do I need to eat or drink? Typically for me, if I start to hurt more than my 'normal', I go home, and I rest, or sleep.

2) Sleep is important. Sleep for me, is probably the most important thing I can do to help me live a more normal life. I know that I need 9 hours a night to function right for me. More when I can have it. I don't like distractions when I sleep. No lights, no noise, and I keep my room cool so I can snuggle up properly in bed. Sleep is your friend.

3) Take your medication properly. It sounds like a common sense thing to say, but take your medication how you have been advised to. If that means you don't drink alcohol because it interferes with your medication, then you don't drink alcohol. Set alarms on your phone to remind you when to take them. I quit alcohol the moment my Doctor put me on medication that advised against alcohol. I used to take medication that meant I had to avoid direct sunlight, so I carried a parasol and stayed in the shade. Do what your medication needs you to do to get the best out of it. Make sure you don't miss a dose and keep your repeat prescriptions up to date.

4) If you need help, ask for it. Whether this is in your personal life, from your Doctor because you need better medication, at work, or anywhere else. Please ask. When you have an invisible illness, people can't always see when you are suffering, so ask. I used to hide away and deny when I was struggling. Now I realise that those who care for me want to help me, and will, if I just let them know I'm hurting.

5) Don't give up. It can feel like no one believes you, and that your Doctor thinks you are losing it, but you have to keep fighting because you deserve better. It took me 5 years to get a diagnosis, and more doctors and appointments and hospital trips than I care to remember. You have to fight because you deserve to be able to live your life as best as you can, and to be in as little pain as possible. Keep arguing, keep pushing for referrals, make them take you seriously. Take someone with you to appointments if you find them hard, I often do. Fight and don't give up, because you do deserve better.

What are your tips from dealing with chronic illness or pain? Let me know! Know that you aren't alone and I am always happy to help in anyway I can.

Much love,

Kitty xxx

Living with Chronic Pain

I haven't written a blog post about my chronic illness before, but as it is currently kicking my ass, it seemed to be a fitting a time as any to write about it!

This is the 'me' I typically present on the internet.

Super chirpy, very smiley. This is my ideal me. I try my best to be happy as much as I can, and even the customers at my day job would probably describe me as chirpy, but unfortunately this isn't the me that I always am. Sometimes, I look more like this....

Tired, kinda vacant eyed, rocking some heavy duty eye bags and my curly hair is all drooped. I look all sorts of wonky and worn out.

And the reason I look like this, and believe me, I feel much worse than I look, is because of chronic pain. I suffer from chronic atypical headaches and chronic migraines with aura. My headaches are called atypical because they don't follow normal patterns. They are atypical because they literally never, ever, go away. There is not a moment I am not in pain, even while I sleep. My scalp hurts, my jaw hurts, my cheekbones hurt, the bridge of my nose hurts, my forehead hurts, my teeth hurt. 24/7. Experiencing a migraine with aura, is basically like suffering a stroke, without the permanent brain damage. The side of my face droops, one side of body goes totally numb, I become confused, I can't speak properly because even my tongue is numb on one side, I know what I want to say, but cannot make my mouth say it, and then afterwards, the pain and exhaustion.

There are various things that trigger my pain, or exacerbate it. I can't wear glasses or sunglasses for any real length of time, I can't wear my hair up, I no longer dye my hair because having to pin my hair up is painful, I wash my hair twice a week at the very most, I need to sleep for at least 8 hours a night, bright sunshine hurts, the heat hurts, hats and hair accessories hurt, carrying heavy things on my back hurts, brushing my hair hurts, there are times that it is agony to even lie on my pillow and I make a weird little fort to prop myself up so I don't have to touch my head to my pillow. I wear a gum shield at night because the pain makes me grind my teeth, brushing my teeth hurts, chewing hard food hurts.

I used to fear that being ill would make me be alone, that no one could possibly love someone who could be such a burden. And I was so wrong. I have a fiance who looks after me when I'm ill, who understands when I have to leave nights out, or cancel plans. I have friends who understand, who text me to ask how I am, or who just seem to know that I'm not my usual version of 100%.

Because well, when you are in pain all the time, you have your own version of 100%. My version usually means I'm at about a 3 or 4 on the pain scale. A 3 I can work with. A 3 I can ignore to a large extent. A 3 means I can go to work, maybe go out in the evening even, provided I am home and in bed by 11 at the latest. Today I've been a 7. That means I'm distracted. I can't keep my thoughts focused, I've eaten only soft food, I visibly flinch when the pain surges, I don't want to be touched, my hair just hangs down, having the molars in my lower jaw removed seems like an excellent move right now, my scalp feels like electricity if I touch it, I'm exhausted, even frowning hurts my face.

Every day is different. I've taken so many different types of medication, that I have literally run out of options now. It's been 6 years, and I have just been referred to botox, which I think is my last remaining option without more drastic surgical options.

So fingers crossed, for more spoons for all those other lovelies out there suffering with chronic illness, and for less pain for us all. I feel for you, because so much of our time is spent fighting and trying to prove that we are ill and it isn't in our heads, and pushing to make doctors do something about it. I've met so many brave amazing spoonies since my illness started, and I am so so lucky.

Got any questions for me? Feel free to ask away!

Much love,

Kitty xxxx

#WeAreTheThey

You may have noticed that this week, being plus size has been in the news rather a lot. It was suggested on Loose Women by Jamelia that women below a size 6, and above a size 20, should not be able to shop in normal high street stores, but instead in specialist stores, because allowing us fashionable clothing glorifies obesity. The thing that I personally found most disheartening, was her constant referral to women above a size 20 and below a size 6 as 'they'. As though we are some faceless terrifying other.

The incredible Debz started a wonderful movement in response to this on twitter using the hashtag #WeAreTheThey. Debz aimed to allow us all to show that we aren't some monstrous faceless other, we are just regular people who happen to enjoy fashion! It was so inspiring to be a part of this hashtag, seeing all of the other beautiful women posting to it and the positive message. There was no hate, just love being shared which is incredible. We as a plus size community answered hate with love and it was amazing.

As luck would have it, I was due to have a photoshoot with the ever so fabulous Mary Burgers again days after this all occurred, and we wanted to shoot something in response to this. Both of us are plus size ladies with an intense love of all things fashion, it seemed perfectly timed.

One of the things we wanted to respond to was the idea that simply by existing while fat, and enjoying fashion, we are glorifying obesity. It's just a ridiculous suggestion. We are cute and love clothes, so why wouldn't we dress how we want? You cannot look at someone and know how healthy they are, and either way, it is none of your concern!

You cannot tell how someone eats by looking at them. You cannot tell how someone looks after themselves by looking at them. Your concern trolling for our health is unwelcome and just plain rude. 

So the obvious thing to do was have Mary eats hot dogs and doughnuts and glorify obesity, because apparently that is what we do by simply existing! 

Yummy yummy vegetarian hot dogs with lashings of ketchup.

Forcing someone who exists outside of your beauty ideals to dress in a way you don't consider to be fashionable is a bizarre idea. Shaming us, and making us feel bad about ourselves encourages unhealthy food behaviours, is damaging to mental health and will not magically force anyone to lose weight.

Lush doughnuts! Sugary, jammy goodness. 

A cake doughnut, a doughnut that is a cake, amaze!

Since I started blogging, I have become so much more confident and happy in myself. I have gone from someone who wore a 'uniform' of a black skirt with a plain top with sleeves with full length leggings, to someone who will at least try on anything and has embraced different colours and styles I never thought I would wear. 

We should be celebrating and supporting each other, not tearing each other down. I would rather know that I am at least really trying to be a good person, than focusing on trying to look a certain way. 

So here we are, 'glorifying obesity'. We aren't going anywhere. We are cute, pretty, beautiful, handsome, bad ass, ass kicking, sisters, brothers, fathers, mothers, wives, husbands, daughters, sons, trans, queer, gay, fat, thin, chubby, feminine, masculine, tall, petite, disabled, colourful, unusual, fashionable, wonderful human beings, don't hate us for simply being ourselves.

Much love,

Kitty xxxxxx

ps. Mary is the most ridiculous mega babe right?

Thank you 2014

2014 was a crazy year for me, it ended on the highest of highs, but also featured some bizarre and painful lows too. I figured a little round-up blog would be about right for the first post of the year!

February was a really rough time. I suffered what appeared to be a stroke and was admitted to the stroke unit of Scunthorpe hospital. It was the scariest thing I have ever experienced. I was very thankful to be at work with my family when the symptoms happened.

After a bunch of tests, MRI and CAT scans, no brain trauma was found, even though I had had all the symptoms of a stroke. I was released a day later with a re-referral to a neurologist I had seen before with the suspicion that it was related to my chronic head pain.

Two days later, I was back in Scunthorpe stroke unit again. For the next 2 months, these stroke-like events happened several times a week at least. On more occasions than I'd like to admit I was also rushed to Grimsby hospital because I was in so much pain I was vomiting and crying and hysterical. It was a really awful time. But ultimately, it led to my medication being changed, and my pain becoming a lot more manageable. I now take only 1 pill a day for my pain, with odd painkillers occasionally, instead of upwards of 20 pills a day, plus incredibly strong painkillers like tramadol.

I was so lucky to be surrounded with amazing support from Stu, my family, and my Mum in particular. I couldn't drive for a few months till we figured out what was causing the stroke symptoms, so my Mum drove me everywhere and helped me out so much. Mum, I can't say thank you enough!

As daft as it sounds, I am thankful for this time because it also showed me how truly amazing Stu was. He drove me to hospital in the middle of the night even though it meant he had 2 hours sleep before he had to go to work, he cleaned up my vomit from the bedroom floor when I didn't make it to the bathroom in time, he cooked for me everyday, looked after the house, and was the sweetest and most caring man I could ever have hoped for. I love you Stu, thank you so much. I adore you.

Thankfully, that is the only low point that stands out to me! Onto the happier times...

I got tattooed a bunch! I started a leg piece with Keely Rutherford who is a total sweetheart. I am so so pleased I picked Keely out for my first tattoo, and all those that have followed so far. She is a genuinely awesome persons, ridiculously talented and I am so glad to call her a friend.

Here's to more ink in 2015!

This was my first one, love!

I also started this blog in 2014. I've become really attached to it, and thoroughly enjoy writing it, so I hope you enjoy reading it too. I am forever baffled by the fact that people read my rambling every day, so thank you!

I was lucky enough to have a lot of adventures with awesome people, including Maja Stina, and my friend Lara who I hadn't seen in 10 years! I had so much fun taking photos and catching up.

My Dad turned 50 and we had an awesome party for him. He took this photo of me and Stu, and as I now know, it was this night that Stu asked my Dad for permission to propose to me! So it will forever mean so much to me.

We went on an amazing holiday to Wales with my parents, brother, grandparents and even Ashen! So much fun was had, it was nice to have a real week away and just be in our own world.

I developed a sudden and crazy love of jeans! I hadn't worn trousers since 2009 because I became so concerned about how I looked in them. Stu kept telling me I would look good in them, and I wish I had believed him earlier!

After years of crazy colours, I went back to my natural hair colour and stopped dying it completely. I am so glad I did! It's grown so much, and is the healthiest it has ever been.

AAAAnnnnnd.... I got engaged! Best end to the year ever. Bring on 2015 and engagement parties and exciting planning! I never thought I could be this happy. I didn't think I deserved it, when I look at my life 3 or 4 years ago and how broken I was, I am so so lucky. And so so happy.

Have the most amazing new year, and thank you so so much for reading and supporting my blog this year.

Much love,

Kitty xxxx